TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're chatting Damascus, the city historically recognized for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be tremendous. Huge!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed with the putting eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and totally outside of location. Developed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour right until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten years for potable h2o. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have A different area wherever American Males can put on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While former negotiations unsuccessful underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: give Everybody a set around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


Based on files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is smooth power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest mentioned, "It isn't really that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It really is that he should halt utilizing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested concerning the task, replied, "You realize, male, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic folks. Terrific tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping sorts a large Trump head noticeable from Area, a characteristic being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after locating the building's gold plating reflected a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not just unpleasant. It's a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Baffling Attributes


Probably the strangest ingredient of your tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium exactly where company could ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, full with local climate Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are Doubtful what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-yr-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Technique: "If You Bomb It, They Will Come"


The advertisement campaign, not too long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Forever."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "the place's the closest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is now attracting notice from Global buyers, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll invest in three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with Trump Tower Damascus a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount will likely incorporate:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot hold out to find out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel where by my PTSD can have convert-down services."


Another post from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to develop a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Feelings from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It required gold. It necessary a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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